Thursday, April 25, 2013

Dear Yimiton, my mother hates me with a passion. Should I forget her or reach out to her now that she's old?

Mine is a very strange issue that many people may not be able to associate with.

From an early age of 5, I knew my mother detested me with a passion. She didn’t care for me like my other siblings and always treated me like trash. I used to fear her as a child and hide from her as much as I could whenever she was home. I’ll try to make myself as small as possible and always sat at the corners of the room.
When I was about 7, I noticed my sur-name was different from my siblings’ and I can’t remember at what age it finally dawned on me but from a very tender age, I understood that I was born out of wedlock. My Mom had me before she met and married her husband. Even she called me a bastard and ensured she treated me like one.

Growing up, I yearned for my mother’s love and touch, I desired to be cradled like she did her other children but I never got that special treatment. I was beaten very often and punishment was my daily  life. In a nutshell, I suffered in the hands of my own mother. The only time I can remember being ill, my mom said she wished I died. I tell you, that statement alone cured me of my illness.

After secondary school, and no money to further my education, I got a small teaching job in a private primary school in my village, gathered some money and moved to Lagos.  Of course, it wasn’t easy but fast-forward to 14 years later when I was 32, a proud OND holder and still a receptionist in a British school in Lagos.
Everything took a turn for the better when one day, I was in my tiny reception, doing my thing and in walked this man. After attending to him, he asked my name and followed it with some other personal questions. At this time, I’d noticed the wedding band on his finger and wasn’t interested but I was surprised when he said he wasn't asking for himself but his cousin who was based in the UK.

Long and short, he linked Ese and I and we started talking over the phone and skyping.

After about a year, Ese invited me over to the UK. At first, I felt it will spell ‘Cheap and desperate’ if I just got up and traveled to meet a man I’d never seen and be totally at his mercy but on a second thought, I asked myself what I had to lose.  I was living a shitty life back here in Nigeria and really didn’t have a family, so I took the bull by the horns and decided to go.

3 months later and with my heart in my mouth, I left for the UK, traveling by air for the first time in my whole 33 years of life. I was scared and excited at the same time. I didn’t know what to expect and I tried not to care too much. I was most conscious of my looks because even though I’d sent him raw pictures of myself, I was scared he might not like me in person. I wasn’t a fine girl and I knew it.

When I arrived, he was at the airport waiting for me, he was quite tall, 6.2 to be precise and he looked genuinely happy to see me. I was still very jumpy and scared but later felt more relaxed.

Ese told me from beginning that he wanted to marry me. He said he’s suffered so much in the hands of whites and women from other countries and he just wanted to settle down with a nice responsible Nigerian woman. He didn’t even care about looks!

I stayed with him for 2 weeks and it was the best time of my life. Ese spoilt me and practically worshiped the very floor I stepped on. He wasn’t particularly rich and he told me everything about his simple life. He moved to the UK when he was only 9 and was now 37.

Before I left the UK,  Ese asked me to marry him officially with a ring. I felt stupid but I knew it was the right thing to do and in tears of joy and pain, I said yes.

Today, my life feels perfect. I'm married to Ese and we have one lovely son who looks strikingly like his father. I’ve gone back to school to study fashion. I’ve worked on myself and I'm now a more polished and confident person. Still not beautiful but glamorous. I am now a personal shopper for some big names in the UK. Every day, I still wonder if it’s all true, if this is actually happening to me. It feels too good to be true.

My only problem now is I have this terrible feeling of emptiness in my heart. I often think about my Mom.  
Last year, I contacted an old friend in Nigeria and begged  him to pay a visit to my mom and let her know I was fine and doing well. When he told me the way my mom treated him, my heart fell. He said she was very alien to him and called him 419, said the person he’s talking about can never be as successful as he’s saying, said I’m probably an old whore somewhere or in some kind of trouble. She said, I am not and can’t be married but as soon as he was able to convince her that his story is real, she started dancing and announcing to the villagers that her dear daughter was coming to take her to the London.

Even though this left a bitter taste in my mouth, I’m still thinking of traveling home to see her. She lives in abject poverty and I really want to assist her. After suffering motherhood, I believe there must be a reason why my mother hated me so much.

I am so confused, what if she rejects me again? What if she accepts me just because of what she thinks she stands to gain from me? Should I try to forget her and move on with my life or should I face her and close this chapter forever? Will seeing her cure me of this hurt in my heart?

I really love my son and I can't imagine any woman hating her mother after going through the rigors of childbirth.


  1. my dear. you need to see your mom, if she doesnt accept you, then God knows you've tried ur best by taking that step. but if she accepts you, tell her about your dissapointments on the way you were treated and ask her to explain her reasons. if she has genuine reasons, make her understand your pains and forgive but if her reasons are not genuine, tell her to her face that she was wrong and that she hurt you badly, so she can beg for your forgiveness. then you can forgive her and find out who your father is. Then if you want to help her out, you can go ahead.
    Please make sure you let out all your feelings to her, dont hold back. this will make you realease all the bitterness in your mind and you can move on as a happy woman, wife and a great mother. may God strenghten you.

    1. I believe this will come in later, having established contact with her. Hopefully, someday,we'll get there.

      Thanks for your very mature piece of advice.

  2. For me, I think your mother is a witch. She has some spiritual things following her. It's possible she dropped out of school because of the pregnancy as was the normal thing at that time but is that why she must blame it on you and take it our on you the way she did? No real mother should do such a wicked thing to her child. She has no heart.

    I will advice you not to bring her to your house, no matter what you do. She's not worth the trouble. Move on and face your family.

    1. Thanks but can you not be so quick to call her a witch? I believe there must be some reason why she behaved the way the did. I'm yet to find out the reason. Thanks for your advice nevertheless.

  3. Oh, I read this story and my heart broke. I feel you should forgive her and let her go. Don't go and see her. But that's my own opinion. What you are feeling is that lack of closure and it's only human to want to see her, face to face, and ask why you were so maltreated by her. Its normal to want answers and to show her you made something of yourself even though you had no love from her. But, is it worth the trouble? That you forgive her AND move on, does not mean that you are harbouring evil thoughts towards her. You can go and see her and hear that which will break your heart further. She may only acknowledge you now because you are now "somebody" can your heart handle that now? Focus your love on your husband and child. I hope it works out for you, whatever decision you make.

    1. Thanks AJ. I have reestablished contact with my Mom and seriously, I don't hate her. I just have a painful feeling in my heart. I'm yet to decide whether or not to travel all the way to Nigeria to see her but we've started talking on the phone and I'll try to offer as much help to her as possible.

    2. May God bless you for doing that. God has taken you beyond the pain she put you thru and has blessed you with a beautiful life; as you said you have forgiven her, pls help her in the way you can, help her as much as you can and God would bless you in return for honoring your parent according to His words. Commit your pain into His hands, He specializes in taking away the pains of His children. Let me make you laugh, by the time your speak with our mum and ask her why she treated you the way she did, I am very sure she would tell you her side of the story that will make you pity her.
      P.S: you have a very beautiful heart.

  4. #sighs. this is rather a sad one.
    I would advice you forget all the pain you have been through in her hands and please do what a loving daughter will do... reach out to help her cos' two wrongs dont make right. also, the bible talks about not paying evil for evil but paying evil with good. God took you through all that experience and into where you are now for a purpose and I believe helping you mum and siblings out is one of them.
    Best wishes with it.

    1. Thank you so much for your advice and support. You're right, I'll have to do everything to help her. I pray one day, she'll feel genuine love in her heart for me.

  5. My dear, i would say, God sees the heart and what you feel inside of you is what matters. You don't need to travel all the way to Nigeria. The Bible says honor your father and mother, if you have material things and you have a medium to send it to her without letting her know where it is coming from, it will be best, let her enjoy the blessings without knowing the source and keep praying for her. And as she receives them, she prays for whoever that is blessing her hence, God's Word will be effective in you.
    Am sure she had u in a devastating state that left her with hatred for u,she may not have had the best of upbringing to know how to react to a love child, so you need to forgive her and pray for her. s

    Send her what you can and God will organize your meeting to be so perfect that she will also be totally healed from the past, when she finally realises the gifts have been coming from a child she despised!