Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Toasters

I was about 16 when the toasters started trooping in. There were the smart ones; the stupid ones, the nice ones; the outrightly annoying ones, the sweet ones and of course; the bitter ones.

I particularly remember Kingsly. He was an interesting guy, I didn't know he was ever going to ask me out. I thought he was just intelligent and interesting. Then, when i was about 17, he dropped the bomb. This guy was so much older than me and I didn't think twice before I said NO.

I still wonder why I was so so shy of guys, why they had so much strength over me. I used to stay awake for hours at night thinking I was hurting him. I felt remorseful that I said no, yet, I never said yes. I thought he loved me too much and I had broken his heart for saying no. Yet, I still said no.

I was pretty strong you'll say. I was stubborn and I knew what I wanted even though I was so confused.

Interestingly, I used to get really turned on if a guy as much as told me I looked pretty. I mean, I still wonder up till now, how on earth I was able to stay away from sex or from getting myself hurt. I was so easily turned on, guess it was all the romantic books I filled my head with. I don't know how on earth I managed to escape the bad boys.

Maybe the novels helped, maybe I was looking for the perfect guy before getting into anything that I'll regret and of course I always had my family at the back of my mind. I didn't want to disappoint anyone especially my sisters whom I respected a lot. Equally, didn't want to be a disgrace to God and the blessed virgin Mary. She was my role model of some sort and I wanted to be good.

Today, I wonder a lot what my daughters will be like when I have them.

The Optimist

I was very optimistic kid.

I believed everything was going to be perfect once I grew up, I'll have all the fairytale cloths, speak with my fairy Godmother, have a glass shoe and every other thing I ever desired or ever wished for.

I thought Nigeria will be better once I grew up. I looked forward to living in a country that will be just as developed as America. I told my cousins that with the quantity of oil we've got in this country, the country is going to be a lot better than the USA when I grow up. I mean, I practically sounded as if the world was waiting on me to grow up and become perfect. Ironically, I didn't see what role I had to play to make this a reality apart from just growing up.

Then, I became a teenager, I read up every Mills and Booms you could think about. I dreamt about falling in love with this gorgeous, tall, lanky, intelligent, breath mistakingly handsome guy with the heart of a prince, who'll love me so much and spoil me rubbish but one thing I never put into this fantasy was 'rich'
Don't know why, maybe I thought wealth came with all of these qualities.

Then, suddenly I grew up and here I am, still without my glass slippers, without my fairytale cloths, Nigeria still without light and still not as good as the USA.

I guess I'm beginning to loose my faith. I'm grown up, the green eyed little girl with so much optimism has seen a lot in, that aren't going to happen to me. Maybe one day, one good day, I'll still have my glass slippers.

Some of them did come true though and I still look forward to having others come true.