Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The world is too big

When I was about 15, I had a friend in my class who seemed to know everything about the world.

In short, she seemed to be totally world-wise.

She always felt she had so much to teach me and I looked at her in awe and wonderment because i felt she knew them all.

Now, Auntie knew about Benedicta because she made it a duty to know all my friends.
It was Benedicta's birthday and she was going to have a party, (I never had birthday parties!) she invited me over and I told her that I would like to attend but I wasn't sure if Auntie will let me.

She looked at me with pity the way she always did and told me that when I finally got out, the world will be too big for me to handle.

I didn't quite understand what she meant by that. I went home and asked Auntie if I could attend Benedicta's birthday and as usual, she turned down my request. I felt bitter and told her that Benedicta said the world will be too big for be to handle one day.

Auntie was so mad at me, I can't quite remember but I think she did slap my face. But one thing I remember, she warned me never to be seen with Benedicta again. She said I mustn't go close to her again and I must avoid her like a plague. She went as far as telling one of my teachers to watch out for me and make sure I never move around with Benedicta because she's a bad influence.

I never told Benedicta what Auntie said but I guess she got the hint and noticed I was avoiding her. She asked me if I'd been forbidden from speaking with her and I lied that I hadn't. What she meant in essence was that, I was so ignorant, I'll most probably get lost in the world which will be too large, complicated and strange for me to understand. I'll most probably snap, try out all bad things and totally loose it.

True to her word, the world was a little too large for me when I just started going out, I was naive, overly trusting, totally innocent and gullible, but I never ever lost it. I took the lessons learnt from home with me. Even though I trusted people, I never let them hurt me.
Today, I guess the world is just big enough for me.

Monday, September 1, 2008

The Man-Eating Dog

When I was 10, My Aunt protected me from the harsh realities of life as much as possible.

She practically built an impenetrable wall between the world and I. The only movies I was encouraged to see were Cosby shows, news and a few others. Other programs were heavily guided and even my friends were screened before I was allowed to hang out with them. I mean, I couldn't go for birthday parties, go to church on my own etc..

I had this friend, Mariam who she approved of at the beginning because she was her own friend's daughter. Mariam and I became pretty good friends until one day... Auntie was going out and as usual locked the house gate and went away with the key. That way, I could come out to the balcony but not into the main compound.

Before she left, she explained that she was locking me in because there was a man-eating-dog on the loose. The dog ate only children and girls of around my age. They'd been trying to capture the dog for a while and every soldiers attempt had proved abortive, she said there's a price tag on the dog for any soldier who is able to capture it; so, I needed to stay inside, so that I won't get eaten up by this fierce dog.

About an hour later, Mariam who was around my age mate came visiting. I couldn't let her in because I didn't have the key to the gate and I was scared for her because she was exposing herself to the man-eating-dog. I told her about it and she looked at me like I was stupid and she said, "you mean you believe that dumb story, can't you see through, she said that so that you won't come out! There aren't no man-eating-dogs anywhere, if there were, it will be in the news. I've been out all day long and still will be out tomorrow, how could you be so gullible!"
I didn't quite believe she was right, I thought she probably hadn't been told about the Man-Eating-Dog because, it never crossed my mind my Aunt could be lying to me.

When Auntie came back, I told her Mariam was around and she isn't aware of the Man-Eating-Dog; Mariam didn't even believe me at all and thinks it's all bullshit. I'd never seen Auntie angrier all my life. She was so mad and forbade me from ever speaking, hanging out or being friends with Mariam again. Reason, she was too wise for me! Ironically, when she said that, I suddenly saw my stupidity and knew Mariam was saying the truth afterall.

These things make me laught today when I remember them. It wasn't so much fun back then, but as I think about it, maybe it was for the better. I was lucky enough to escape a lot of trouble my mates got into at very tender ages.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Save the Best for Last

When I was a little girl, one of my favourite songs was Vanessa Williams' 'Save The Best For Last'.
It has always been beautiful to me but it has never held as much meaning for me as it does today, because tell you what, I'm in my late 20's and for the first time in my life, I'm really dating! That is how late a bloomer I am.

Ok, I've had friends, I've attempted dating, I've been involved, but I mean, for the first time, I'm with a guy who I truely love, want to have kids with and cherish every moment together. I can use the word 'Love' comfortably for the first time and can actually see a future with a beautiful and complete family with only one man.

I thought this was never going to happen to me, thought it only happened in the books and romance novels but here I am, really loving and really being loved. This is the most beautiful time of my life and I'm so thankful to God.

Sure, He does save the Best for Last.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The Villain

That Boy!

My younger brother was a villain. You can't blame him in a home where there are 7 females and 2 males.

He was the last male child as well as my immediate younger brother. I sort of liked him when we were growing up but felt bad that he'll rather hang out with his male peeps than of me.

I remember something he did which I don't think I've forgiven him for because I still want to revenge, even though it's been about 20 years. I was about 6 and he just finished using the toilet. I went in while he was still there and for the fun of it, I asked him how he'll feel if I locked him in. He laughed heartily and told me he knew I'll never do something that wicked to him, which was true. But can you believe the irony of it all, he excused himself immediately and locked me in!

Wasn't I scared. I imagined everything that could happen to me, I imagined a dragon coming out of the toilet and burning me up. I imagined maggots suddenly filling the toilet, as if that wasn't bad enough, I suddenly saw a roach which was a nights mare to me *and still is* I imagined snakes, every scary thing in the whole world and as I imagined, I screamed for help. Unfortunately, I had a tiny voice and nobody could heard me. I was locked up for over 2 hours until my sisters started missing and looked for me. They found me locked up in the toilet and the culprit,.. he had totally forgotten his evil deeds and was playing away his life with his silly friends.

I don't think he ever realized how long I stayed in that prison neither did he know how traumatic that experience was for me, but one day, just one day, I'll tell him, he'll know the pain and fear I felt then as a little six year old, but how do I go about that to achieve the exact effect that experience had on me. He's got to suffer as much as I did

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Toasters

I was about 16 when the toasters started trooping in. There were the smart ones; the stupid ones, the nice ones; the outrightly annoying ones, the sweet ones and of course; the bitter ones.

I particularly remember Kingsly. He was an interesting guy, I didn't know he was ever going to ask me out. I thought he was just intelligent and interesting. Then, when i was about 17, he dropped the bomb. This guy was so much older than me and I didn't think twice before I said NO.

I still wonder why I was so so shy of guys, why they had so much strength over me. I used to stay awake for hours at night thinking I was hurting him. I felt remorseful that I said no, yet, I never said yes. I thought he loved me too much and I had broken his heart for saying no. Yet, I still said no.

I was pretty strong you'll say. I was stubborn and I knew what I wanted even though I was so confused.

Interestingly, I used to get really turned on if a guy as much as told me I looked pretty. I mean, I still wonder up till now, how on earth I was able to stay away from sex or from getting myself hurt. I was so easily turned on, guess it was all the romantic books I filled my head with. I don't know how on earth I managed to escape the bad boys.

Maybe the novels helped, maybe I was looking for the perfect guy before getting into anything that I'll regret and of course I always had my family at the back of my mind. I didn't want to disappoint anyone especially my sisters whom I respected a lot. Equally, didn't want to be a disgrace to God and the blessed virgin Mary. She was my role model of some sort and I wanted to be good.

Today, I wonder a lot what my daughters will be like when I have them.

The Optimist

I was very optimistic kid.

I believed everything was going to be perfect once I grew up, I'll have all the fairytale cloths, speak with my fairy Godmother, have a glass shoe and every other thing I ever desired or ever wished for.

I thought Nigeria will be better once I grew up. I looked forward to living in a country that will be just as developed as America. I told my cousins that with the quantity of oil we've got in this country, the country is going to be a lot better than the USA when I grow up. I mean, I practically sounded as if the world was waiting on me to grow up and become perfect. Ironically, I didn't see what role I had to play to make this a reality apart from just growing up.

Then, I became a teenager, I read up every Mills and Booms you could think about. I dreamt about falling in love with this gorgeous, tall, lanky, intelligent, breath mistakingly handsome guy with the heart of a prince, who'll love me so much and spoil me rubbish but one thing I never put into this fantasy was 'rich'
Don't know why, maybe I thought wealth came with all of these qualities.

Then, suddenly I grew up and here I am, still without my glass slippers, without my fairytale cloths, Nigeria still without light and still not as good as the USA.

I guess I'm beginning to loose my faith. I'm grown up, the green eyed little girl with so much optimism has seen a lot in, that aren't going to happen to me. Maybe one day, one good day, I'll still have my glass slippers.

Some of them did come true though and I still look forward to having others come true.

Monday, August 11, 2008

How are babies made?


When I remember a heated argument I had with my cousins when I was about 13, I wonder just how ignorant I was as a growing child.

The argument was simply, 'how are babies made?'
In my own opinion, mom and dad or a man and woman who are committed to each other lie on a bed, pray that they have a baby and go straight to sleep. When they wake up, lo and behold, the baby is in the female's womb and she has the baby in nine months time.

I stuck with this opinion because I couldn't imagine my dad or mom whom I respected very much being naked and doing stuff. I thought it was insulting on my parents for anyone to even imagine my dad could ever stand naked in the presence of anyone; including my mom and vice versa.

My cousins reasoned with me, argued, showed me text books on procreation but I just simply insisted that for the fact that the word 'sex' wasn't used in any of the texts, it's simply not possible.

Today, when I remember that, I wonder what they would have been thinking about me; stupid, I guess isn't even good enough to describe it.

Friday, August 8, 2008

The Last American Virgin

That movie!

It did make a mark on me. I remembered for a long time some of the sound tracks that were used in the movie, especially *that's the way, ahan ahan, I like it* and *I did my best, but my best wasn't good enough*

But the most important mark it made on me was the fact that when you really like a guy, he treats you like shit. I made up my mind never to love a guy the way the heroine loved her boyfriend, who treated her like shit, got her pregnant and dumped her. I remember the other really nice guy who loved her, picked her up, cleaned her up, got her unpregnant, stole and sold his parents things just to make her happy, yet, she went back to the bad guy. I thought and still think she was really silly.

It was good for me though, I stayed away from the bad guys, and sex was a no go area. I always remembered how the abortion was performed and it scared the shit out of me. I definitely didn't want to get into that kind of situation, so, I simply stayed away from boys.
Part of being a late bloomer huh... you can say that again.

Late Bloomer

I am a late bloomer!

I started school pretty late which meant I had to forgo nursery school and just went straight to Primary School when I was about 4. I got to puberty stage pretty late, I mean, I started having my period when I was about 16 and started budding breasts when I was about 14!

I gained admission into the university when the people that I left secondary school were already in 200 level and I didn't know a lot of things my mates knew back in those days.

I remember when I was about 14 and in secondary school, the 'big girls' in class would hang together and talk in hush voices, I used to be quite curious and ask what they were talking about, they'd say 'you won't understand'.

I used to be quite angry then, but I think back, I probably wouldn't have understood their little gossips or talks about boyfriends after all.

What about boyfriends, lol! I had my first 'boyfriend when I was 16, but wait a minute, it's not what you think, we lived in different cities and the only thing that made him my boyfriend was that we exchanged letters often. I mean we never even held hands how much more kissed.
I smile today when I remember.

My first kiss, yes, that one, really funny huh, I had it when I was already 18!. I'd looked forward to it but I didn't want to do it, I felt it was too early, I was too young, kisses were wrong, kisses were sinful, they signified commitment. But at 18, I felt I was grown up enough to have a kiss and I had a kiss. I felt elated, I felt like I'd done something only 'big girls' could do. When I remember now, it makes me laugh.

OK, now, this is silly, but I remember the kids in my neighbourhood *who were more than 5 years younger than me* used to talk about porn movies, I never had the nerves to watch them. I thought they were too grown up for kids and only 19 year olds and above should see things like that ( I wonder where I got the idea of the age, lol). I looked forward to my 19th birthday so I could watch a 'grown up' movie, and guess what I eventually watched? 'Last American Virgin!' After seeing that movie, I felt like I knew every thing there could be about sex, about boys and girls. It's funny, I was disappointed at the end of the movie.

I'll talk about that movie and the late blooming some other time, right now, I've got to go.


Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I need some attention! (Real life experience of a 7 year old)

OK Guys, I wrote this a long time ago and just re read it. It made me laugh so hard, I really wanted to share it. It's a real life childhood experience. 

Since I remembered this incident, I've practically be giggling.