Sunday, September 9, 2012

At crossroad. He still wouldn't propose after 3 years. What should I do?

Hi Yimiton, 

I read your post on 'Do I marry her or walk away after 4 years of courtship' and decided to share my experience and seek advice. 

I am 28 and had been dating for 3 years. My relationship was quite steady and I expected my guy to propose when I finished service 2 years ago. My birthday, his birthday and our dating anniversary came and went by and he still didn't proposed, I presumed he was going to propose immediately I got a job, but even this didn't happen, I knew I had to do something. So, after yet another birthday, I sat him down and told him we needed to talk. 
I asked him if he had any intention of getting married and when, so I will know how to plan my life and that was when I got the shocker of my life!

He began by saying he used to love me but right now, he didn't think I was the type of woman he wanted to marry and after probing and probing, he came up with these excuses. 

I kept secrets from him. He said he'd gone through my phone and discovered that I will rather talk to my friends and family instead of talking to him about issues that bother me. An example was the marriage issue which I'd discussed with my best friend over our BB about 5 moths ago and I didn't know he had seen it. He also mentioned an abortion I had for him over a year ago which I didn't think I should mention lest he thinks I was trying to trap him with pregnancy. I was shocked that he knew, yet, he didn't raise the issue until now. I tried to explain my reasons to him, which was that I din't want to sound desperate or come across as wanting to trap him, but he insisted that he had the right to know and would have been happy to take full responsibility of the child. He said he never forgave me for having the abortion without his consent. 

The next point was a bigger shocker; I'd stopped being stylish. I stopped being dressy and didn't care about my appearance any more. That was absolutely untrue as the only reason why I wasn't so fashionable any more was because I was trying to save money for our future as well not ask him for so much money so that I won't come across as a gold digger just because he's rich. 


I had become boring and unadventurous. He said when we started dating, I always came up with great ideas on what we should do and where we should visit. I also enjoyed visiting hotels and laughed alot but these days, even when he suggests something fun, I always had one reason or another why we couldn't do them. He said, he didn't want a boring wife. This one was a shocker, as I work now. Was I supposed to leave my job and go jumping around with him?

I had lots of things on my mind which he has noticed I don't talk about. He said, I took a lot of shit from him an he knows I hurt, yet, I don't ask him or demand and explanation. He mentioned the time he was cheating with his colleague whom he told me once was just a friend. He said he knows that I knew that he was lying but rather than ask him, I was imploding and waiting for us to get married before I explode. He said he could see it and feel that I never try to resolve issues with him, I sweep them under the carpet. 

After this last statement, I totally lost it. I felt so hurt, I felt like I was going to die. Why didn't he say all these things all these while, why didn't the talk about them? Wasn't he as guilty as I was? Why was I the one being blamed for all these things? Couldn't we have worked on them? Do these things mean I am not good enough to be his wife? I was so shocked that he kept so much on his mind after 3 long years of dating. 

I walked away in pain, hoping he'll call me and  invite us talk about them. 

It's been over 3 weeks now and he hasn't called even once. I have been fighting with the temptation to call but I'm afraid he's already made up his mind about us. He admitted he's ready to get married but doesn't think I'm the woman he should be married to. 

Now, I'm wondering, should I pick up my phone and call him, should I go and see him, go on my knees and beg him? will it make any difference? Is he just trying to test my level of patience and endurance? 

I have spent the last 3 years of my life seeing him as my future husband and loving him, where do I start from? how can I pick up the pieces of my life if we don't get back together?

Please I need genuine advice.

22 comments:

  1. Walk away my friend, there's no point of humiliating yourself further. He's obviously made up his mind.

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  2. You know the answer to your own question. obviously, you feel very insecure in this relationship and have been trying to do everything to make it work without thinking about yourself. Look into your heart and make the best decision. I'm sure whatever anybody tells you here will not make any difference.

    Keep it real.

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  3. If you've waited for 3 weeks and he still hasn't called, then, there's fire on the mountain. You go survive.

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  4. Call him and appeal to his senses. Remind him of what made him fall in love with you at the beginning and suggest that you should start all over again. If you're sure of this, it's something to work on. Sometimes, guys can be very indecisive. In all of these, pray very heard about it and commit it into the hands of God.

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  5. How could you have an abortion without letting your boyfriend know? This is a sign of desperation. You definitely feel you're not good enough for him and you seem to be wallowing in self pity. Please pick you the pieces of your life and move on.

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  6. I just saw this on someone's BB dp and it definitely summarizes what you should do:

    Don't hold on because you think there will be no one else. there will always be someone else. You've got to believe you are worth more than being repeatedly hurt by someone who doesn't really care...and believe what you are really worth and treat you the way you should be treated.

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  7. The problem with girls like you is that you don't read the handwriting, even when it's so clear.

    I am a man and can tell you with all certainty that there's no need begging. He doesn't love you any more, his heart has moved away from you a long time ago. You will only prolong your pain if you go back.

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  8. Mandy, he is not yet her husband and she should call him and remind him of what made him fall for her. She never marry, she is fighting for him to love her. Biko, respect your self writer and leave him be. God might just have answered your prayers by sending this bloke on his way. He cheated, you said nothing...till you catch something???? You will survive dear and better will come your way. meanwhile, learn from this. Talk to your man when issues arise, do not keep things in...keeping quiet to keep him in one place is not always the answer.

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    Replies
    1. Emmm...my sister, tell them. Some girls are to desperate for marriage. Man cheat, you no talk, now, it's your crime. You better run.

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    2. Me, I will still say she should try talking to him. Pride comes before a fall. How many men will she sleep with and abort for before she marries? Is anybody else out there better? Men are all the same.

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    3. He has told you that he doesn't want you. What else do you want to hear? I feel your pain but it is what it is. Say good radiance.

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  9. Na by force to propose?

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  10. Dear writer, pls leave this man alone.
    I had a similar experince and it was bad. I went back and begged, I felt like my life would end if he didn't take me back. Mine was after 6 good years, but finally, I picked up courage and moved on. After about a year, I met my husband. We dated for 5 months and he proposed and we were married 5 months later. At the time, I was 31.

    My husband trurned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me and till date, I'm grateful to God.

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  11. Run and be grateful you had the oppotunity to.

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  12. Move on with your life. But learn from what he has said to you. If what he said is true then you've got lots to learn from that.

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  13. If a guy has taken his time to enumerate your faults, he has taken his time to think about you long and hard and concluded that he doesn't want to be with you. Learn from this lesson and get a life.

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  14. This may not be easy but it's the only logical thing to do. Move on

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  15. Eyaaa, doh, no cry too much. Wey you dey think of marriage, him dey think of something else. Next time, make sure say una dey the same page

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  16. You did wrong by not telling him abt the pregnancy.You thought you knew him but apparently, you didn't cos you would have addressed issues with him as at when necessary not to say that most guys have some undependable characters at times.But thank GOD that you had called him earlier and he came out straight unless he would have just led you on believing he was still interested until you receive his wedding IV from him personally saying he's found his dream girl.Lady forget about him.

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  17. Thank your stars he came out to say he "used to love you". He sure ain't on the same pge with you anymore. And girl if u try to appeal to him you prolly wasting your time cos he;s gonno treat you like shit.

    Please let him go. Ge doesn't deserve you.

    And also take the lessons learnt. You didn't have to keep the pregnancy thing away from him. If you both did it, then you have to handle it together. Also "communicate" issues as at when due. For crying out loud - What were you trying to protect being secretive??? you no need am.

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  18. He is just not into you.... He doesn't need 3 years to be sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with u. Kapish....

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